Just a Small Girl

So this is something that bugs me everytime it happens. I consider myself a very happy optomistic person. I can't stay depressed for long and if i do get depressed, there has to be a good reason as to why. But I am human. And in all fairness i have my days. But i'm suppose to cover it with a smile and act like everything is going my way? Are you kidding me?

I got in an argument today with someone and yes i was a little bitchy but trust me i've seen worse. I don't think i went overboard but the other person felt that they could just take advantage of it and i don't know. Its like, if i was like this all the time i wouldn't get this but because i'm usually passive or comedic about things and i let them just roll of my shoulder, that its not okay when i break that. And that's bullshit. If anything i think people should realize that yea, i'm OBVIOUSLY not in a good mood and be nice. Because that's what i do for other people when i'm my normal self. 

I guess it comes down to i feel that what goes around comes around. I am a HUGE believer in this. So when i know not to push people when they aren't in a good mood, i expect the same from others. So most of this might sound selfish but you know what? i don't care! Cause this is how i feel and i have the right to feel what i feel and not always have to look "happy" to others. You know it usually takes alot of shit building up for me to come out of my normal nature so when you notice on the rare days that i'm "Just not in the mood" please just DONT start with me. Cause just like everyone else, i'm not gonna be happy.

Sorry...this isn't an attack on most people i know. Its really just venting about people who don't really know me. Just needed to vent.

And now i feel a little better.

This semester is shaping up to interesting indeed. I'm not quite sure how it will turn out. I kept saying last semester how different it was from every other semester and now i guess i'm feeling the effects of it. I grew up alot last semester. I guess it was the turning point of my college experience. ANYWAY...its late and i just felt like writing.

There are certain things that i feel i have a grasp on right now. My schoolwork, my acting, and just i think i'm being more responsible about things. But i do feel a little lost. Everything that's going on with melissa, I haven't seen ron in forever and grace. Well with grace i got so caught up in last semester that i just started to lose what we had. But i'm gonna go up there soon. I just need to really jump into my work. Oh god i'm tired....sorry guys this entry sucks. Haha. i'm tired.

Goodnight*

I think its time to write. Almost a month has passed. How scary is that? I was just about to write that things are better, which they are, but other things have come up recently so its been tough. You can't win them all but you sure can make the best of them. 2006 hasn't started off on the greatest foot i can say that for sure but i've been trying to find the good in all situations right now. And there is some. Which is probably the best part. I find i'm getting closer to my mom everyday, me and melissa have taken our friendship to a completely new level (actually you could say that for both melissa's) and i think i'm getting comfortable in my own skin again cause i felt out of it sometimes in London and i don't like not having control over myself.

I'm going to try to keep this light...for my own well being.

But a big thing did happen while in London! I got my parts in the Laramie Project. Now wait just a minute so i can flash back further. When i was a senior in HS i was in speech and debate and i did DI which is dramatic interpretation.  I needed an 8 to 10 minute monologue and i took clint johnson's advice and looked int the Laramie Project because its all monologues anyway. I chose Reggie Fluty and did that. I made it all the way to states and did really well at the college tournament too. Anyway the point to my story is THAT is the part i got in the Laramie Project at Hofstra. I can't tell you how excited i am cause i've grown so much since HS and i can't wait to get my teeth around this part. I'm also playing a number of other roles including Russel Henderson who is one of the killers which should be amazing.

Last i guess i should talk about London for a moment. It was amazing. I saw some truly amazing shows there (and some not so good ones too tehe) and it was such a good experience. Granted by the end i was broke and was ready to kill myself living out of a hotel room but ya know, its just one other thing. I went to Ireland, Leeds Castle, the white cliffs of Dover, Stonehenge, Cantabury AND to visit my friend rob who is studying abroad in London. So when its all said and done, it was an amazing trip and i'm so glad i went. I hope everyone else's January was fantastic and that's about it for now. I'll be around. :-)

I have nothing really to say.

Everyone have a Great New Year.

I'll talk to you all when i get back from London.

UPDATE!

I felt its time to write. Its the end of the semester. Today was the last day of classes! WAHOOOO! And from here on out its pretty much smooth sailing. I have two performance finals and two written final. I also move into my apartment on Saturday! YAY! I'm so excited about that. Me and Melissa have been planning this for soooo long and its finally happening. Then before you know it Christmas is here.

I have to say, i truely love Christmas. I know its overly commercialized and such but i think my family really gets this holiday right. The feeling i have when i go to midnight mass at my church and coming home to just be with my family is indescribeable. And its never been a holiday that my family goes over board with presents but i always look forward to it because its the one time of year i know i get to be with my family. I wouldn't trade that for the world.

Then New Years. If you haven't already heard, myself and melissa are having a little "apartment" warming party for new years at our new apartment. If you will be here you are more than welcome to come. Its BYOB and you can stay over so you don't have to drive. There should be enough room. Our living room is big.

And then before i know it, i'm off to London. I am gonna miss the States but i've been waiting SO long to go and i'm sure i'm going to have a blast. I will miss everyone though. But hey, its only three weeks. And, if your good while i'm away...i'll bring back presents. :-D But to think that when i come back it will only be a week until February is insane. What is going on?!

But as this year comes to a close I'm very happy to look back. It actually seems like a long year. Last semester seems so long ago when the Fab 4 were still here, Julius Caesar, After the Fall, Jack and Faith, getting the BFA and such. What's even more insane to me is that it was all the way back in April that i met Matt. This summer that would never end is far behind me. And this semester has been AMAZING. Definately the best year i've had at school i believe. And i think the next year and a half will be just as amazing. So here's a thank you to you if you've been a part of my life this year. :-)

I felt i needed to write today. Today was the first time in a while when i've been on my game. And let me tell you...it feels fuckin GREAT! There is no denying the feeling you get on stage when it comes out right. And every actor fights for that. That's why we live in small apartments and crap jobs. Because we all remember deep in us that time that we felt "it" on stage. And we keep reaching for it. November kinda killed me in acting, my mind was full of so much for so many of my classes. It just wanted to explode. It seems that Thanksgiving took care of everything for me. My head is clearer. I'm well rested. And i'm ready for the next few weeks. Which is good cause i'm diving head first into my finals for all my classes and the performance aspect of my life is about to get switched into full gear. And...department auditions are next week. I just need to go in there and do my shit like i did in ilona's today. Just do with a big smile on my face. Cause lets face it. This is what i love doing!

There is something truly powerful behind my dark haired boy with glasses. There is something in him that is in me. God, i can't express how this story touches me. How emotionally bound i am to these books. Its like a drug. There's only one more book to go but i don't care. This story will live in my mind forever. You can't shake something like this.

This movie was fuckin' amazing. Granted there were a few problems. A few characters i thought would have been in were not. Also it seemed that the movie was made entirely for those who have read the books. Now i have no real objections but if you haven't read the books...your going to be lost. It really can be summed up by saying this is a quick overview of the 4th book, hitting the major points but really not dwelling into certain moments. HOWEVER, GO   SEE   THIS    MOVIE! Ralph Fiennes is UN FUCKIN BELIEVEABLE! It literally was cinematic history in the making! I can't get over what i just saw. Granted there is much i would change, including the insane speed of the film, but this is my favorite movie thus far, with Azkaban trailing not too far behind.

I need to go to bed...how insane....

i wish i had the 6th book here....:-)

I thought orange would be feastive considering Halloween is tomorrow. God how time flies. Its almost November. Its daylight savings again and i'm a junior in college? can that be? Anyway, lots has happened since the summer (and may i say that i'm glad it has...this summer fuckin' sucked!)

So this weekend was crazy. The Halloween party was on Friday, and like always there was drama at a drama party! Who saw THAT coming!? haha...silly drama kids! I also realized how long it had been since i got like that. I wasn't completely gone thou and i remember everything so i was very proud of myself. And then yesterday i was really out of it. I sat around and didn't do much but i wanted to socialize so i ended up spending time with people that i hadn't seen in a while. And that felt great. But because i was out of it i thought alot yesterday. I realized that i'm always in a rush to be somewhere or do something. My life is very quicked paced. And the reason i felt 'out of it' (so to speak) is because i was in no rush to be anywhere or do anything! And it was SO refreshing. I left my room early before i had to be at the show and just walked around the otherside of campus, enjoying the campus and the beautiful fall evening. It made me change what i use to think. Everyone says not to waste the life your given cause its the only one you get. And i took that and ran. So i try to do WAY to many things and i miss whats really going on around me. What its changed to is an understanding that if this is the only life you get, take it in with a deep breath and enjoy it. Life isn't made up of seconds, minutes, hours, days or weeks. Its made up of moments you feel. Cause hell, time is artifical. The way you can really measure it is with the seasons and how you grow. Its all just numbers when you come down to it.

I feel like writing right now on this Tuesday afternoon. I'm not exactly sure why. If you know me then you probably already know about my horrible review, how a choked almost died and ron saved my life, that i'm on tech for ANOTHER show and that myself and the beautiful melissa rittmann are directing the children's show. Midterms started friday in Kolb which wasn't a bad exam at all and i just got back from Peter's midterm which i thought was ALOT easier than i expected. But now i have to memorize a sonnet and scene for peter, a scene for ilona, find actors for my directing scene for next tuesday and start writing a paper.

Halloween is coming up soon. I'm going as Neferitti. You know, the Egyptian princess with the long beautiful next and head dress? i'm sure you would if you saw a picture. Thats your homework. I expect a copy on my desk by friday. I love the dress that melissa got me for it. And now i just need to make my head dress. Melissa, brittany and i are going as famous beauties/women of the past. I'm Neferitti, Brit is Helen of Troy and Melissa is Ann Bolin (i spelt that wrong im sure). And we have totally different outfits and such because of where our people are from.

And that's about it for now. I just want to put up my sonnet cause i think its nice. So here it is:

            If it all meant you felt the way I do.

So much has happened since i last wrote. To begin with I had an awesome run of my show! This cast was fuckin' amazing. We all became So close over the process and i'm going to miss it terribly. Between Ghost Stories, the brittany song, a different movie every night, quoting family guy, trips to the bathroom....,Duck chant, "WOAH BAYSIDE", the list goes on and i can not express what each of you mean to me! I wish every show i ever do has such a positive vibe around it. Love you guys and Thanks!

Next on my list, this weekend was fuckin' amazing and i have a list of people to thank. I'd like to thank the "OW"-mobile for bringing Matt and Melissa here. I'd like to thank Curly's mom for getting me back to campus. I'd like to thank the diner for supplying us with two meals this weekend. I'd like to thank Spencer's. I'd like to thank Ron for saving my life. I'd like to thank my aunt for the air mattress. And i'd like to thank Melissa for a bag of pickels and peppermint assortments. :-D

Ontop of it all, Grace called me Saturday to tell me she GOT THE BFA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot express my joy for her!!!!!!!!! She is SOOOO talented and SOOOOo deserves this. I am SOOOOOOOOOOO PROUD OF YOU MY LOVE!!!!!!

And i'm knocking on wood, cause if this isn't happiness...i don't know what is!!!!!!

I feel so out of it right now. And that worries me. Today we had a matinee and we've been doing runs of the show this past week and performances this weekend. I went to Friday's after with some people and once i got back to my room my body died. I'm so tired. I feel sick. My throat hurts. And i just want to curl up in my bed and stay there. And that sounds like a good idea. Hell i'm still in my bed right now as i write this. Oh right...why this worries me...that's what i need to explain. Now because i'm doing run crew for Ah! Wilderness i figured i wouldn't have post show depression. And now i'm worried i will. Tomorrow is just my dark night and i already just want to stay in my bed and do nothing. That's usually what my post show depression consists of. Being sick and staying in my bed and having my head regain its balance. Maybe i'm just getting it out of my way now so i don't have to do it later. I should really be writing a paper right now. And i'm not. I should be looking up a poem for Ilona's class but for some reason none of the sites are working right now (probably because my whole class is on the site...tehe). I must say the past few days, no stratch that, this whole semester thus far has been an emotional rollercoaster. I haven't been able to find my balance yet. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that as soon as school started i jumped right into rehearsals, i was trying to adjust to grace not being here and my whole academic situation changed as soon as i started classes. I just haven't been able to catch up to how quickly everything is moving. And i wish i could. Because i feel like so much has already happened this semester and i'm missing parts because there is so much. Though i wouldn't change it for the world. I'd rather this than sitting around with nothing. I'd take this ANY day!

Wow...i just rambled for quiet some time. Sorry about that. I tend to do that. Ramble. Oh well.

Geez...i really want coffee right now...tehe....

I love it when i just feel like writing. I could be complete shit but it comes straight from me.

So this weekend was Tech for the show. It was the easiest tech EVER! Anyway, at tech on sat i get this voicemail from my brother which says "Mom and Dad are having a mid-life crisis (giggles). They bought a NEW car! A convertible!" Now i don't know if most of you understand what that means but my family has not bought a new car since before 1990! And that was only a station wagon. YEA so they bought a 2004 chrysler sebring convertible. Now some of you might be saying "if its a 2004 its not really "new"!" But for my family it is. I mean they test drove it at a dealership and everything. Like my mom said to me when i talked to her, "I had to tell the guy at the dealership 'Lets drive the silver one too.' Because i had never had the option of color, or even make of the car!" Which is true. Someone would give us their old car or we'd buy one cause it was cheap and ran well, and so on. Also speaking of my mother, our relationship is always bouncing around. This summer it was really good, i talked to her all the time. Then for like the first 3 weeks of school she was very very distant. But now after they bought the car its like she's in such a good mood. So i'm just trying to keep up. And i did tell her about matt. Which is funny cause i had told my brother first (cause we are just close like that) and he told my mom. So when i did mention it to her she was like "Yea brian told me." But the weird part was telling her how i knew him. And not for the reasons that you would think. I feel like at somepoint i've told those who are close to me about him. I had atleast mentioned him. And yet there i was telling my mom about him for the first time. Oh well....

On other note....the show opens on Friday. Yea i know. And i'm stuck in a weird place. Because i am SO excited and also really nervous. No nervous isn't the word. Anxious? maybe? Anyway its really exciting! This weekend Grace should be coming and i'm SO excited about that. My family is also coming down this weekend (with the new car! :-D ) And then next weekend its Melissa, Matt, Ron and Peter. So i'm gonna have two fuckin' kick ass weekends in a row! And AND! I don't have school today, tomorrow or next Thursday (and i don't plan on going to classes next friday....for....ummm.....personal reasons?....tehe) Well i think that's it for now. I do believe. But i'll be sure to keep you all posted (the 2 of you who read this....)

I've been trying to think of what to write for a few days now. And i think now i know what to say.

This weekend i went to Boston. Most of you probably already knew that. So why get into details?! lol Anyway, i left school on Friday at exactly 3. Would you like to know when i finally arrived in boston? 9:15! I know! 6 hours! So i got stuck in traffic in New Haven, Conn. and it wasn't even rush hour traffic. It was an accident that took me an hour in stop go traffic to move 18 miles. And i thought that was bad. Then there was a little fender bender that had me in more traffic for another 20-30 mins. And then FINALLY i made it to Rhode Island, thinking the horrible state of Conn. was behind me. Then Cranston. I text Matt to tell him i got stuck there. HALF an hour and two miles later!, i called him to go eat (cause at this point its 7:30 and i was suppose to be there at 7ish) and he's like "that bad?" to which i replied "YEA! i'm still in Cranston!" But then eventually things started moving and i was on my way again. But i was not parked and out of my car until 9:30. So mission "Getting to Boston" was completed.

Friday night was good thou. We went out to the Cheesefake Cactory (haha) and finally ate at around 11:30. (Thanks for dinner) Oh and let me just say, walking around boston at night has become a new hobby of mine. Then it was time to crack open the booze that i brought and after all the traffic i was ready to knock back a few. Matt had his first Yeager bomb with Red Bull. I'm pretty sure he enjoyed it. Then came the banana rum, which if you have not tried, go get some! its wonderful!

Sat was good. I got to sleep in a little cause Matt had work. So i just hung out in the dorm with Alan for a while, went to get coffee and see melissa and then out to lunch with Andy and Alan (who are Matt's roomie and suitemate). Then we had the brillant idea of going to Cambridge and the not so bright idea of having Alan lead the way. Needless to say, we got lost. But what's a good story if something doesn't go wrong. But that was fun. Later that night we went to melissa's for a party which was awesome. It was an insane situation cause people were like "How did you to meet?" "I've heard stories about you! I just can't remember what they were about." LOL

There were a few things that went wrong this weekend and an understanding that needed to be met, but I must say I haven't had a weekend like that in a long time. Its like i had to go thru a shitty summer to get here. And it felt strange to be there because it felt so normal but new all at once. Everything has fallen into place, and i like where i've ended up. I like it quite alot. :-D

Oh yes...on a side note...it only took me three hours to get back!